Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
