Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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