So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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