I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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