She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
