When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Text me some of your sweat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
