Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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