i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She has the best kind of daddy issues
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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