throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
