So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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