yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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