I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
