I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
