There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
