This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
