the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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