grandma shit on top of the toilet
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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