"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
