Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
