he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
