You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
