I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
