I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
