I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
