Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
