OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
