We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
