I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
