I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize