can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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