Where is the hickey?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
