i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
