hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
