I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
