And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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