so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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