i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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