I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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