I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Don't make out with my wife yet
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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