I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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