As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
