The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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