why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
