you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
