There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize