remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
