bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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