Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
