Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
