I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
