Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
