I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
