could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
