I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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