some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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