Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
