Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
