I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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